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© 2019 by Clark James. 

Smart A** Cards

Birthday

I was going to call and wish you happy birthday.

But I had to call the fire department instead.

(Image of firemen putting out cake with heaps of candles)

How many times have you traveled around the sun now?

There was a sun when you were born, right?

 

On your birthday, I booked a table at your favorite restaurant.

Unfortunately, there wasn't a seat available for you too.

 

Life begins at 50. 

Said nobody ever!

 

Your birthday is an excellent reminder.

That everyone is younger than you.

Do you remember when we were kids and 40 was the  "Over the Hill" birthday?

Sadly, that's you now.

 

You know, 40 is the new 30.

Said the person who’s 40!

 

I wanted to get you a special cake for your birthday.

But they don't make one big enough to hold that many candles.

 

I heard your birthday is coming up. Enjoy it! 

Whenever it is...

I think this is your diamond birthday. 

The next one is Jurassic.

There should be a big prize for reaching your age.

Like adult diapers.

Did you ever imagine you’d reach this age? 

That takes a HUGE imagination!

I offer you friendship on your birthday.

Because I’m low on cash.

Did you think I’d remember your birthday?

I didn’t. Mom reminded me.

I hope you like your birthday gift! 

What did my assistant get you?

Wouldn’t it be great if we got a new outfit every year on our birthday? 

Your birthday suit is looking pretty ragged!

A birthday can be refreshing and surprising.

Like a cold glass of water in the face.

 

I’m digging you on your birthday! 

Because you’re a fossil.

 

Get ready because I’ll be scooping you up on your birthday.

Like an old turd.

 

I’m not sure how old you’ll be this birthday. 

It’s too messy to cut you in half to count your rings.

For your birthday, I looked everywhere for a special cologne.

But they don't make one that covers the smell of ripe old age.

For the person who has everything, I found one thing you don’t have.

Unfortunately, youth can’t be purchased.

You can’t convince me you’re as old as you say you are. 

I knew it just by looking at you.

Birthday Cont...

I searched high and low for something special and unique for your birthday. 

But I couldn’t find anything.

I hope you have big plans for your birthday! 

Like completing your will, because you’re old!

On your birthday, I hope you stop and dream about all of the things you want to do with the rest of your life. 

Hurry! You don’t have many years left.

There’s nothing wrong with getting older.

Unless you want to be a swimsuit model.

When you’re young, you break a leg and go for broke. 

When you’re old, you break a hip and hope you’re not broke.

There’s no shame in getting older.

Until you look in the mirror naked.

As we age, our wrinkles reveal our experience. 

Clearly you have a TON of experience!

Age doesn't mean anything.

Unless you’re trying to buy beer or do gymnastics.

Divorce

I have to admit, I'm relieved to hear about your divorce.

I bet $100 bucks it wouldn't last!

Getting a divorce is not only hard on you, it's hard on your friends and family.

We no longer have anyone to gossip about.

I was shocked to hear that your partner divorced you.

I was even more shocked to hear that they married you!

Congratulations on your engagement.

I'll think of you every time I hook up!

Since we were kids I looked up to you.

Until you got married and screwed up guy's/girl's night!

I searched high and low for an engagement card.

Unfortunately, they were out. Happy Groundhog's Day!

I only have one piece of advice on your engagement.

Don't do it man!!!

Christmas

This Christmas, I was going to come to your house and surprise you.

Unfortunately, the restraining order forbids it.

 

I heard Santa is coming to your house tonight to leave you lots of gifts!

Oh sorry... That text was meant for someone else.

 

I wanted to tell you Merry Christmas in person this year.

But I'm doing something fun instead. Enjoy your turkey!

 

Mom asked her favorite people to her house for Christmas this year.

Woops! I wasn't supposed to tell you.
 

Christmas has always been a special time of year.

And you are definitely "special!"

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