A mother called 911 today as her son was being strangled by a seat belt. Apparently the seat belt was severely beaten as a child and spent a many years behind bars, before escaping to attack children of mothers without common sense.
WE'VE ALL BEEN AFFLECTED
Actor Ben Affleck attended a UN conference today as the representative of a film he recently produced to benefit the Congo humanitarian effort. He commented, "I want to use my celebrity to do something important and interesting, because I'm not."
A woman with severe facial deformities is the recipient of the world's most complex facial replacement surgery. Sadly, her husband has left her for being two-faced.
WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS, NOW GO HOME
In a publicity ad for Las Vegas, 100 residents of Cranfills Gap, TX - the entire population, were flown to sin city to partake in free shows and two days of gambling. What did they win? The knowledge they would go home broke to a crappy little town in Texas with a population of 100.
VIOLENCE ON THE INGREECE
Demonstrations spread across Greece this week after a police shooting of a 15 year old kid. Crowds in many cities took to the streets and destroyed businesses and lit trash cans on fire. When questioned, the President said "This is the worst violence we've ever seen against trash!"
Polaroid announced today it will suspend indefinitely the production of instant camera film. Fans and professionals who use the film are greatly disappointed and sales of remaining Polaroid stock are already heating up. The groups effected the most by the bad news are artists, fashion dressers and film continuity professionals. Although, no one will feel the impact more than pedophiles.
TRADING DOLLARS FOR SENSE
Nasa announced yesterday that the next round of Mars missions will be delayed another two years, due to cost overruns and technical issues. In the mean time, Nasa is looking for better ways to spend tax-payer dollars. Today a team of top engineers will begin work on one of man's greatest mysteries and try to explain why water beds are soo sexy!
MORE DANGEROUS THAN FRIED FOOD
Bear Grylls, the host of the life threatening television program Man vs Wild, has been injured in Antarctica. The cause of his injuries have been directly attributed to doing stupid s*** in the wild.
CANDY IN YOUR CHRISTMAS STALKING?
In retail news, sales are down more than 12% this year and many families are struggling just to pay the rent, which means there's only 17 shop-lifting days left until Christmas!
TAKE THIS ONE TO THE BOARD
A New York man who worked a long career in the toy industry was laid off in February after 32 years of employment. Spurred on by his daughter, the man now spends his days on street corners donning a sandwich board describing his credentials and handing out resumes. Although the man has not received any work from this tactics, he has received an order for three hoagies to go.
KEEPER OF THE CABINET
In a shocking announcement today, President elect Barack Obama offered President Bush the #2 position in his new cabinet - a role that allows the soon-to-be-ex-president oversight of all cabinet duties, including flushing out bum concerns and discarding piles of old paperwork. Obama's entire team reacted with alarm, but concerns were quickly lowered when Obama made it clear that he meant the bathroom cabinet.
BAD PRESIDENT TO MAIN STREET RESIDENT
As the days dwindle away and President Bush nears the end of the least popular presidency in history, he's now turning his attention to the future. This will be especially hard for Bush, say historians and political observers. One noted "Many modern presidents go forward with great careers in humanitarian work, writing and speech making. As for Mr Bush, his dream of finishing the third grade and learning to ride a bike, sans training wheels, is all the poor kid can handle."
TEXT ME FOR A GOOD TIME
Several high-school girls were expelled after being caught texting nude pictures of themselves to boyfriends. Parents quickly objected to the reaction and they're suing the school. The school's principal was furious when he received word of the scandal and had this to say, "We didn't have texting when I was in school. It's not fair!"
WARFARE THEE WELL
The US has completed a successful missile defense test in light of speculation by many experts. "The system is not only feasible, but it's functioning" said a top outgoing military official. "And not only can we hit a bullet with a bullet, but we can hit a spot on that bullet." He concluded with "Next we'll try to hit a flea on a pea, then a smiley face on a lower case j."
A LONG SHOT FOR HER EX
A Springfield Ohio woman is in critical condition after being shot in the chest while having sex with her estranged husband, police said. So far authorities haven't found a gun, and when questioned, the ex-husband explained "There weren't no bullet - just pent up man love, if you know what I mean??? WINK! WINK!"
THE ABSURD WORD
A Delaware County woman was arrested after her 9-year-old son told police she held him down and scratched a derogatory word onto his forehead before sending him to school. The mother didn't deny the allegations and explained "I didn't intend to scratch the b-word on his forehead, but the f-word was too hard to write with my Lee press-ons."
MORE POWER TO THE PEOPLE
A family in Pittsburgh has decorated their home for Christmas with 210,000 lights. They say the project took 3 months to set-up and 6 months to sync with music on a computer controlled system - all in the name of fun. In other local news, 128 people suffered from frost bite in their homes last night when their floor heaters failed to deliver enough heat, due to a mysterious power shortage. Investigators are still searching for the cause.
DOES A BODY GOOD?
Milk, a new film by Gus Van Sant, is screening to enthused audiences and appears to be a shoe-in for several academy award noms. Producers proposed a co-marketing effort with the National Dairy Council, but a representative from the council said "Being that Harvey Milk was openly gay, we believe customers might misconstrue our catchphrase "Milk builds strong bones".
DIRTY BIRDS AND THE BEES
A recent scientific study has determined that women's skin contains more germs than men. Conceivable reasons given for these results: women's skin is less acidic, the use of make-up and quite possibly hormones. The study finally proves the suspicion, once and for all, that girls are icky!
NOT IN THIS DOG'S HOUSE!
According to Obama's promise on election night, his daughters, Sasha and Malia, will be getting a new pet in the White House. Ironically, the girls chose to adopt a female Alaskan Malamute and named her Sarah. Apparently the dog will live outdoors, because as Michelle Obama explains, "There's no place in the White House for that dirty bitch."
BARACK THE VOTE
Tonight, McCain will return to his home state of Arizona so he can vote tomorrow. When asked how he will cast his vote for President, McCain said "I'm voting for the most qualified person for the job. Regrettably that's not me, because of growing concerns over my vice-presidential choice. She wants to poison me you know!"
In related news, Sarah Palin was deemed in "excellent health" today by doctors evaluating her for the vice-presidency. Though Palin was disappointed when she received the lost election news, because she would no longer get to poison McCain, become president and rename the country The United States of Alaska Yo!
In other news, A 75 year old woman shot a man in the crotch with a hand gun when she awoke to find him standing in her bedroom. When questioned by police, the man confessed "I gots me an old lady fetish sumthin' fierce. But now I just don't feel the urge no more..."
HIGH AND MIGHTY
Lately, there's been a lot of speculation about whether Palin has a shot at the white house in 2012. Political experts all agree the answer is "Shut the $%*@ up!" In response, Palin said "Oh ya. I got a shot at it all right. From a helicopter with my 30-30 if that colored man even ventures outside to water his dog!"
GORED IN FLORIDA
More voting fraud concerns were raised in Florida today - the state where Gore lost his presidency in 2002. When questioned about the apparently stolen election, Gore compared the country's demise under Bush's leadership to a rental car theft. "It was stolen right in front of us, driven into the ground for 8 long years by a bunch of Bush's rich friends who raced it all over the middle East, killed thousands, filled up their tanks for free and pissed off a bunch of foreign countries while claiming the car wasn't there for the gas. Finally, they parked it on Wall Street and partied inside for awhile before pissing all over the interior, then they lit it on fire with your retirement in the trunk. Yet somehow they talked the insurance company into paying off the rental car agency and walked away with a new car." Gore followed up with "Do I sound bitter?"
THE TREAT THAT KEEPS ON TREATING
Planned Parenthood in Indiana has begun issuing Gift Certificates this holiday season, which can be used to purchase anything from condoms to abortions to genital exams. Okay, everybody sing! "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a coupon to treat my S.T.D."
SHAKEN BUT NOT DETERRED
The Panamanian cruise ship Ushuaia was stranded in the Antarctic yesterday when the vessel was damaged after a collision with heavy ice. The accident was apparently caused by the inebriated Captain, who made this statement, "When you're given lemons, make lemonade. But when you're given ice, make blended margaritas! Who wants the salt now? Who? Who?" He then vomited and partied all night long. Titanic style!
OVER MY DEAD BODY!
A run-down and overgrown graveyard in Georgia that hasn't been used since the 40's, is stirring-up conflict after a neighboring landfill company, that owns the property, proposed relocating the graves and re-purposing the land for trash. Locals are protesting the graveyard's removal and consider it disrespectful. When asked their opinion, the people buried in the cemetery had no comment, nor did they roll over in their graves.
DRESSED FOR SUCCESSION
The Republican National Committee's total fashion bill for Sarah Palin's nine-week stint on the GOP presidential ticket is in: $180,000. These numbers are $30,000 more than the RNC admitted during the campaign. Fortunately, campaign officials say the clothes will be donated to charity because no matter how hard they try, they cannot remove the smell of defeat and the stains of shame.