OH MOTHER!

A mother called 911 today as her son was being strangled by a seat belt. Apparently the seat belt was severely beaten as a child and spent many years behind bars, before escaping to attack children of mothers without common sense.

 

WE'VE ALL BEEN AFFLECTED

Actor Ben Affleck attended a UN conference today as the representative of a film he recently produced to benefit the Congo humanitarian effort. He commented, "I want to use my celebrity to do something important and interesting, because I'm not."

 

RESURFACED

A woman with severe facial deformities is the recipient of the world's most complex facial replacement surgery. Sadly, her husband has left her for being two-faced.

 

WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS, NOW GO HOME

In a publicity ad for Las Vegas, all 100 residents of Cranfills Gap, TX were flown to sin city to partake in free shows and two days of gambling. What did they win? The knowledge they would go home broke to a crappy little town in Texas with a population of 100.

 

VIOLENCE ON THE INGREECE

Demonstrations spread across Greece amid reports of the government bankruptcy. Crowds in many cities took to the streets, destroyed businesses and lit trash cans on fire. When questioned, the President said "This is the worst violence we've ever seen against trash!"

 

INSTANT DISAPPOINTMENT

Polaroid announced today it will suspend indefinitely the production of instant camera film. Fans and professionals who use the film are greatly disappointed and sales of remaining Polaroid stock are already heating up. The groups effected the most by the bad news are artists, fashion dressers and film continuity professionals. Although, no one will feel the impact more than pedophiles.

 

TRADING DOLLARS FOR SENSE

Nasa announced yesterday that the next round of Mars missions will be delayed another two years, due to cost overruns and technical issues. In the mean time, Nasa is looking for better ways to spend tax-payer dollars. Today a team of top engineers will begin work on one of man's greatest mysteries and try to explain why water beds are soo sexy!

 

MORE DANGEROUS THAN FRIED FOOD

Bear Grylls, the host of the life threatening television program Man vs Wild, has been injured in Antarctica. The cause of his injuries have been directly attributed to doing stupid s*** in the wild.

 

CANDY IN YOUR CHRISTMAS STALKING?

In retail news, sales are down more than 12% this year and many families are struggling just to pay the rent, which means there is only 17 shop-lifting days left until Christmas!

 

TAKE THIS ONE TO THE BOARD

A New York man who worked a long career in the toy industry was laid off in February after 32 years of employment. Spurred on by his daughter, the man now spends his days on street corners donning a sandwich board detailing his credentials and handing out resumes. Although the man has not received any work from this tactics, he has received an order for three hoagies to go.

 

KEEPER OF THE CABINET

In a shocking announcement today, President elect Barack Obama offered President Bush the #2 position in his new cabinet - a role that allows the soon-to-be-ex-president oversight of all cabinet duties, including flushing out bum concerns and discarding piles of old paperwork. Obama's entire team reacted with alarm, but concerns were quickly stifled when Obama made it clear that he meant the bathroom cabinet.

 

BAD PRESIDENT TO MAIN STREET RESIDENT

As the days dwindle away and President Bush nears the end of the least popular presidency in history, he's now turning his attention to the future. This will be especially hard for Bush, say historians and political observers. One noted "Many modern presidents go forward with great careers in humanitarian work, writing and speech making. As for Mr Bush, his dream of finishing the third grade and learning to ride a bike, sans training wheels, is all the poor kid can handle."

 

TEXT ME FOR A GOOD TIME

Several high-school girls were expelled after being caught texting nude pictures of themselves to boyfriends. Parents quickly objected to the reaction and they're suing the school. The school's principal was furious when he received word of the scandal and had this to say, "We didn't have texting when I was in school. It's not fair!"

 

WARFARE THEE WELL

The US has completed a successful missile defense test in light of speculation by many experts. "The system is not only feasible, but it's functioning" said a top outgoing military official. "Not only can we hit a bullet with a bullet, but we can hit a spot on that bullet." He concluded "Next we'll try to hit a flea on a pea, then a smiley face on a lower case j."

 

A LONG SHOT FOR HER EX

A Springfield Ohio woman is in critical condition after being shot in the chest while having sex with her estranged husband, police said. So far authorities haven't found a gun and when questioned, the ex-husband explained "There weren't no bullet - just pent up man love, if you know what I mean??? WINK! WINK!"

 

THE ABSURD WORD

A Delaware County woman was arrested after her 9-year-old son told police she held him down and scratched a derogatory word onto his forehead before sending him to school. The mother didn't deny the allegations and explained "I didn't intend to scratch the b-word on his forehead, but the f-word was too hard to write with Lee press-ons."